Where am I?

 Yesternight, I lost me.

I found myself in a place so dark
I could no longer tell where the night ended
and where I began.
And somewhere in that darkness,
I started a dance with the devil.

Not because I wanted him.
Perhaps because I had forgotten how to find my way home.

Today, I woke up
and I could not find myself.

I stood before the mirror,
searching the face staring back at me
for the man I used to know.

But he was not there.

So I asked myself,
am I changing for the better,
or am I slowly becoming a prisoner of the dark?

Am I growing,
or am I disappearing?

I feel like I am doing it all wrong.

What kind of husband am I?

How much of me does she carry
that I have failed to see?
How many things does she swallow
because love has taught her
that some truths are too heavy to say?

She looks at me,
and sometimes I wonder
if she sees the man I want to be
or the man I am afraid I have become.

Am I enough?

I don't know.

And what am I supposed to do
when the man who is supposed to have the answers
cannot even answer himself?

Then there is my son.

My golden boy.

I look at him
and I see everything I ever hoped
a man could become.

Then I look at the man in the mirror
and wonder why he looks nothing like his father.

What example am I leaving behind?

Will he learn courage from me,
or will he learn how to hide?

Will he learn how to love,
or only how to survive?

If tomorrow he sets out into this world
and someone asks him about his father,
will I be worth a conversation?

Will he remember my hands
as the hands that lifted him,
or the hands that were too tired
to hold him?

God, I don't know what happened to me spiritually.

I don't know when I lost the road.

I don't know why the things that once felt certain
now feel so distant.

I keep looking backward
and finding ghosts.

I keep looking forward
and finding uncertainty.

And somewhere between yesterday
and tomorrow,
I have forgotten how to live today.

So set me free.

Not from my responsibilities.
Not from the people I love.
Not from the man I am supposed to become.

Set me free from this war inside me.

Free me from the past
that keeps asking me to relive it.

Free me from the future
that keeps demanding answers
I do not have yet.

Let me live here.

In this breath.
In this morning.
In this imperfect life.

Let me stop trying to solve tomorrow
with the wounds of yesterday.

Let me become myself again.

Not the man I was.
Not the man I fear I am becoming.
But the man I am still capable of being.

I want me back.

And tonight,
I am in no mood to dance.

Not with the devil.

Not with my demons.

Not with the ghosts of who I was
or the fears of who I might become.

Tonight,
I just want to be still.

And somewhere in that stillness,
I hope I hear my way home.